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Who is that girl,
With dead eyes,
And bleeding wrists,
That will lead to her demise?

Who is that girl,
Who dreams all day,
And screams at night,
Yet smiles anyway?

Who is that girl,
With music-filled ears,
Ignoring reality,
To avoid the tears?

Who is that girl,
Who seems so familiar?

Who is that girl,
That I see in the mirror?
I have some issues with mirrors. They reflect my past and confirm the present.

~Cover art by: :iconinsolublelife:

-
Please Critique :)

This is my first attempt at rhyming, so I'm not sure how this turned out.
1. Does the rhyme in this seem forced? Or does it have no impact?
2. What effect, if any, does my imagery have on you?
3. Do you think my theme is coherent?
Also, I'm not so sure if the message I'm trying to portray is clear, so please tell me what you think when you read this.

My critique:
[link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsalarzubaid:
salarzubaid Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013
nice..soo nice
Reply
:iconjagjag09:
JagJag09 Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you :)
Reply
:iconsalarzubaid:
salarzubaid Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013
u welcome
Reply
:iconpossumfan:
PossumFan Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is so me. Well, except for the "...bleeding wrists..." part. Great work!

+ fave
Reply
:iconjagjag09:
JagJag09 Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you :)
Reply
:iconpossumfan:
PossumFan Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome. :)
Reply
:iconsilvermoonrising:
SilverMoonRising Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This reminds me of the song from Mulan where she sings "Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me, when will my reflection show who I am inside?"
Reply
:iconjagjag09:
JagJag09 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I really like that movie :D
Reply
:iconsilvermoonrising:
SilverMoonRising Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:D
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hi there! I'm gonna give a go at a critique for this piece, if that's alright :)

Let me start off by answering your questions, and then I'll see about filling in anything I missed after I've finished.
1. Does the rhyme in this seem forced? Or does it have no impact?
I think the rhyme scheme is alright. It doesn't detract from the piece, however it doesn't add anything either. It doesn't sound forced, however I feel like you've compromised your use of diction by choosing to use rhyming, and you've had to use some wonky grammar in some places. I also think the rhythm of each line is inconsistent, which makes it weird to read the piece out loud.

2. What effect, if any, does my imagery have on you?
Honestly? Little to none. You've chosen to use a number of cliche images that don't really grab me. Although I think your use of questions suits the overall piece, I think there should be more statements in here so that the imagery has a chance to reach out and grab us as readers.

3. Do you think my theme is coherent?
Yes, you have definitely put together a coherent piece.

Overall, I think this piece makes for a good start, but it lacks power and interest - there is little that distinguishes it from other pieces like it. I'm actually going to go ahead and suggest a few tutorials for you to look at. Here's one that I wrote: [link]. I suggest you take a peek at sections 2 (Topic: What do I Write About?) and 3 (Imagery: What is It and How do I Use It?). They're fairly short and I think will help you get a better sense of direction in your imagery. I'm also going to recommend =tonepainter's article on how to revise poetry. It's a bit longer, but funny, and is also a really valuable resource for thinking about imagery and form.

I hope you found this helpful! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask :)
Reply
:iconjagjag09:
JagJag09 Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for your feedback :)

I will try to improve my rhyming and consistency for that matter. I'm not very experienced with rhyming, so yes, I agree my use of diction seemed very limited. I will work on rhythm; it was something I completely looked over, so that's why there was a lack of it in my poem. Grammar I can fix pretty easily, so I won't worry too much about that, but thank you for telling me :)

I admit I do feel as though this is an overdone topic and that I should have done something to make it stand out in some way.

thank you for the suggestions on tutorials, they're very much appreciated :)
and again, thank you for your feedback :)
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome! I hope you don't get discouraged. Rhyming is really tough!
Reply
:iconjagjag09:
JagJag09 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I see that now :)
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Student Photographer
the rhyme scheme flowed really nicely and it didn't seem forced. the imagery makes me think of my own thing about mirrors and how much i don't like seeing myself/: so i can definitely relate to this. the theme was very coherent, but, in my opinion, it's somewhat hackneyed, especially the line about "bleeding wrists." that being said, i think this is still a pretty good piece and a great first attempt at rhyming (which i'm no good at, so props to you). C:
Reply
:iconjagjag09:
JagJag09 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you for your insight.
I agree it's hackneyed, so I'll try to work on that next time :)
Reply
:iconchristina-taylor:
Christina-Taylor Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012
Wow, this piece is really wonderful. The rhyme added a lovely rhythm to the poem, but it never seemed forced or weak, and the theme was clear throughout. Well done! :hug:
Reply
:iconjagjag09:
JagJag09 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconmurderjuice:
MurderJuice Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2012  Hobbyist
I have issues with mirrors, too.
With a few extra reasons.
I swear it wants to steal my soul.
Reply
:iconjagjag09:
JagJag09 Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
very true
Reply
:iconmurderjuice:
MurderJuice Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2012  Hobbyist
Hmmhm. :3
Reply
:iconmeekodemonkitty:
MeekoDemonKitty Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2012
;o;
Speaks to me.
I think I'm in love with you.
Reply
:iconjagjag09:
JagJag09 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
Reply
:iconsupergoogie:
SuperGoogie Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2012  Student Artist
This is a really good poetry, and I don't really enjoy poetry so much. I know this feeling to :( and it just says a lot.
Reply
:iconjagjag09:
JagJag09 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks :)
Reply
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